"Change is scary, Mummy"

"Yes, it is," I can hear her saying matter-of-factly when I whine. "But it's healthy. So everyone should have change."

I'm sure you've all gone through some major changes, abrupt or gradual. Gradual is easier, I believe. When you don't notice it happening too much and then one day you sit back and think, "wow, things are really different now. I'm really different now." Thats the best. Aging is like that. It sort of sneaks up on you and one day you're looking at a photo album and it dawns on you. Things have really changed since then. Sometimes in a bad way, often in a good way; but you look at it differently and think, "well, that's not so bad, I guess." I love change like that.

And then there's abrupt change. Change that, whether you know it's coming or not, will hit you with enough force to make you physically ill. Right now, that sort of change is coming for me. I can see it aiming towards me from all different angles, gathering speed with terrifying fierceness.

I've lived a life filled almost entirely with slow moving, easy to handle change. Mine is a life of looking at old photos and thinking, "Gee, it's been a while, eh?" The few abrupt changes I've encountered were easily overcome. And now I feel as though I'm a child again, being pushed into the deep end while I'm still trying to learn in the shallow. Those dark waters threaten to swallow me up. I'm not yet gasping for air. I think I'm doing an alright job of treading water here, but the hardest changes have yet to come. Separation from everything I know and rely on is imminent.

I'm scared. I'm really scared. However, I want the change to happen. I know it will be good for me in the long run. Good for the people I love too. I'll have bad days, but there will be good ones; I'm positive of that. As long as I can keep my head above the water, I'll survive, and come out on the other side a stronger person. I don't know what lies ahead. I only know that the people I surround myself with are good, strong, supportive people. And if I dip under the surface, or lose my energy to stay afloat, they'll be there to grab me and hold me up.

I'm still afraid. But I'll be alright.

Right, Mum?

M.G.