"Change is scary, Mummy"

"Yes, it is," I can hear her saying matter-of-factly when I whine. "But it's healthy. So everyone should have change."

I'm sure you've all gone through some major changes, abrupt or gradual. Gradual is easier, I believe. When you don't notice it happening too much and then one day you sit back and think, "wow, things are really different now. I'm really different now." Thats the best. Aging is like that. It sort of sneaks up on you and one day you're looking at a photo album and it dawns on you. Things have really changed since then. Sometimes in a bad way, often in a good way; but you look at it differently and think, "well, that's not so bad, I guess." I love change like that.

And then there's abrupt change. Change that, whether you know it's coming or not, will hit you with enough force to make you physically ill. Right now, that sort of change is coming for me. I can see it aiming towards me from all different angles, gathering speed with terrifying fierceness.

I've lived a life filled almost entirely with slow moving, easy to handle change. Mine is a life of looking at old photos and thinking, "Gee, it's been a while, eh?" The few abrupt changes I've encountered were easily overcome. And now I feel as though I'm a child again, being pushed into the deep end while I'm still trying to learn in the shallow. Those dark waters threaten to swallow me up. I'm not yet gasping for air. I think I'm doing an alright job of treading water here, but the hardest changes have yet to come. Separation from everything I know and rely on is imminent.

I'm scared. I'm really scared. However, I want the change to happen. I know it will be good for me in the long run. Good for the people I love too. I'll have bad days, but there will be good ones; I'm positive of that. As long as I can keep my head above the water, I'll survive, and come out on the other side a stronger person. I don't know what lies ahead. I only know that the people I surround myself with are good, strong, supportive people. And if I dip under the surface, or lose my energy to stay afloat, they'll be there to grab me and hold me up.

I'm still afraid. But I'll be alright.

Right, Mum?

M.G.

Stories are not real life. . .

I want to put a question out there (if anyone actually reads this):

Do you believe in love?

I know it sounds awfully overdone, and I can only agree with that. The reason I ask is that I have encountered something, I never thought I would. It's not as if I've fallen in love - I don't personally believe in it. But I've never been put into a situation to make me believe in its existence.

I have always been good at seeing the positive in something negative, or at least being able to survive the bad things of life. It's my strong point. Now, however, I find myself being pulled into something that seems outwardly positive. The problem being that I keep expecting to find fault in it. To have it dissolve in my hands. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy maybe, but is it possible to change something that is so much a part of who you are?

I believe nothing is perfect. To me, relationships don't exist because of love. They begin because of lust and if they continue, it's because the two parties find each other bearable enough to coexist. I haven't been proven wrong yet, but there are a million stories of 'true love'. Is every one of them purely fiction? Humanity's unattainable romantic ideals? Or am I wrong? Has anyone out there experienced love? Can anyone help me understand what love is all about? Or does anyone share my doubts?

Surely if love does exist, it's something to be feared. An emotion so strong as love sounds agonizing.

I would like to be wrong about love.

What is the truth?

M.G.