Forget to eat.

Music is one of the all encompassing factors of my life. Perhaps of life in general. Music is cultural and indicative of a person's very core set of traits. Music holds the potential for great power over a person.

Confucius (Kong Qin, circa 551-479 BCE; philosopher, possibly the greatest influence on Chinese life for the past two millennia; Founder of Confucianism) was said to have been so absorbed and moved by a single piece of music that he (at least once) forgot to eat for three days. I realize of course, that this is an uncommon reaction to music, but it is an example that I find fascinating. To be so affected by a single piece of music that you would simply forget to eat for days? It seems unlikely, but it is recorded in the history of Confucius to be true. It's absurd, but potent and wonderful at the same time. The passion it must have instilled to cause such a response is staggering.

And then I began to think: What is the song that made me "forget to eat"? Not literally of course, but do I have a piece of music that moves me so deeply that it causes more than just a signal to go flying through my brain? I was listening to my iPod while I mused about this. Trying to think of my "favourite" song. Just when I decided that I didn't have a set favourite, the song changed.

The first movement of Tchaikovsky's Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D Major.

Now, you may assume I listen to a lot of classical music now, but I really don't, I love it, but it isn't the only thing in my library by a long shot. I generally say, when asked about my taste in music, that I am "eclectic". This doesn't feel like quite the right word, but it's the closest I've got so far. I really do listen to just about everything now and rely on music every day. But this particular piece, no matter how many times I hear it, fills me with something words simply cannot describe. I must have listened to it a thousand times by now, but as I sat on a chair in the campus coffee shop, staring at my black coffee, tears came to my eyes. I'm not much of a crier, and I hate to do it in public, but I sat there for fifteen minutes with glassy, damp eyes, in the middle of a Second Cup. I forgot about the reading I had intended to do during my time there, I forgot I was in a public place, and when the music surged to the first coming-together of the entire orchestra, I forgot my whole life. For that instant, I was with the music like the air is with the wind. If I were to die in that moment, I feel as if it would be painless and without fear.
I forgot to eat.

Have you ever done this? Found a specific piece of music that changes your state of mind or state of being for a moment? Have you ever forgotten to eat?
What is your essential music?

No longer crying in public,
M.G.

"Change is scary, Mummy"

"Yes, it is," I can hear her saying matter-of-factly when I whine. "But it's healthy. So everyone should have change."

I'm sure you've all gone through some major changes, abrupt or gradual. Gradual is easier, I believe. When you don't notice it happening too much and then one day you sit back and think, "wow, things are really different now. I'm really different now." Thats the best. Aging is like that. It sort of sneaks up on you and one day you're looking at a photo album and it dawns on you. Things have really changed since then. Sometimes in a bad way, often in a good way; but you look at it differently and think, "well, that's not so bad, I guess." I love change like that.

And then there's abrupt change. Change that, whether you know it's coming or not, will hit you with enough force to make you physically ill. Right now, that sort of change is coming for me. I can see it aiming towards me from all different angles, gathering speed with terrifying fierceness.

I've lived a life filled almost entirely with slow moving, easy to handle change. Mine is a life of looking at old photos and thinking, "Gee, it's been a while, eh?" The few abrupt changes I've encountered were easily overcome. And now I feel as though I'm a child again, being pushed into the deep end while I'm still trying to learn in the shallow. Those dark waters threaten to swallow me up. I'm not yet gasping for air. I think I'm doing an alright job of treading water here, but the hardest changes have yet to come. Separation from everything I know and rely on is imminent.

I'm scared. I'm really scared. However, I want the change to happen. I know it will be good for me in the long run. Good for the people I love too. I'll have bad days, but there will be good ones; I'm positive of that. As long as I can keep my head above the water, I'll survive, and come out on the other side a stronger person. I don't know what lies ahead. I only know that the people I surround myself with are good, strong, supportive people. And if I dip under the surface, or lose my energy to stay afloat, they'll be there to grab me and hold me up.

I'm still afraid. But I'll be alright.

Right, Mum?

M.G.

Stories are not real life. . .

I want to put a question out there (if anyone actually reads this):

Do you believe in love?

I know it sounds awfully overdone, and I can only agree with that. The reason I ask is that I have encountered something, I never thought I would. It's not as if I've fallen in love - I don't personally believe in it. But I've never been put into a situation to make me believe in its existence.

I have always been good at seeing the positive in something negative, or at least being able to survive the bad things of life. It's my strong point. Now, however, I find myself being pulled into something that seems outwardly positive. The problem being that I keep expecting to find fault in it. To have it dissolve in my hands. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy maybe, but is it possible to change something that is so much a part of who you are?

I believe nothing is perfect. To me, relationships don't exist because of love. They begin because of lust and if they continue, it's because the two parties find each other bearable enough to coexist. I haven't been proven wrong yet, but there are a million stories of 'true love'. Is every one of them purely fiction? Humanity's unattainable romantic ideals? Or am I wrong? Has anyone out there experienced love? Can anyone help me understand what love is all about? Or does anyone share my doubts?

Surely if love does exist, it's something to be feared. An emotion so strong as love sounds agonizing.

I would like to be wrong about love.

What is the truth?

M.G.